Why We No Longer Need the Masculine/Feminine Energy Bullshit in the Dating World
Feb 10, 2025
The idea of “masculine” and “feminine” energies has been a dominant framework in our conversations about gender, identity, and behavior for far too long—and its impact on the dating world is particularly harmful. While it’s important to acknowledge that people can embody certain traits historically labeled as masculine or feminine, the binary thinking behind these terms is outdated, and it’s not just limiting—it’s confusing and damaging.
As a women's mindset and empowerment coach, I see firsthand how these outdated labels block my clients from being their authentic selves, especially in the dating world. Dating coaches often tell clients that these energies are just a “framework” or that we all have a mix of both “masculine” and “feminine” energy inside of us. While this may sound empowering, it often leads to even more confusion. These labels end up becoming another set of rules to follow, creating more pressure and leaving people feeling lost and disconnected from their true personalities.
Dating coaches often use the "masculine" and "feminine" energy labels because they believe it simplifies the complex dynamics of attraction, relationships, and behavior. These labels have been ingrained in societal norms for a long time, and dating coaches tend to lean on them as a way to categorize and explain human behavior, especially in romantic contexts. But it’s important to understand why they do this—and how it can be problematic.
Many dating coaches use these labels because they align with traditional gender roles that have been passed down through generations. The concept of "masculine" and "feminine" energy ties back to old societal norms about what men and women "should" be like—men being strong, assertive, and independent, while women are soft, nurturing, and emotional. These traditional roles have shaped much of the dating advice people receive. So, when dating coaches rely on these labels, they’re often just leaning into a system of thought that has been around for a long time, whether it’s helpful or not.
Dating coaches use the concepts of "masculine" and "feminine" energies because they tap into the human desire for clarity, certainty, and structure, especially in an era where societal norms around relationships are shifting rapidly. Let’s break down why this approach appeals so strongly, and why it continues to be effective in an often confusing and uncertain dating world.
Relationships are complicated. Navigating attraction, communication, and emotional connection can feel overwhelming. The world of dating is changing fast—expectations around gender roles, social norms, and individual autonomy are evolving, and this can create a lot of uncertainty. In a time when many people feel unsure about how to behave in relationships or where they stand in the dating world, frameworks like "masculine" and "feminine" energy offer something clear and easy to grasp. They reduce the complexity of human dynamics into more straightforward categories, giving people something tangible to latch onto.
This simplicity is comforting, especially when everything else feels so uncertain. People are often looking for guidance, and dating coaches can provide them with a clear-cut, understandable model of how they “should” behave in a relationship. It's a framework that’s easy to digest, which is why it's used so widely.
In the modern world, however, those roles are being challenged, blurred, or even eliminated, and it can leave some individuals feeling lost about how they should act in a relationship. By appealing to the concepts of "masculine" and "feminine" energies, dating coaches are tapping into this deep-rooted desire for defined roles. These labels, though often limiting, can provide comfort and clarity in a time where the lines between traditional gender roles are less clear.
The uncertainty and rapid change in society often lead people to seek out certainty and predictability in relationships. People crave stability and the feeling that they can "know what to do" in a situation. The masculine/feminine energy framework offers a seemingly straightforward way of understanding behaviors in dating. If you’re struggling to navigate attraction or a relationship, having a "clear" roadmap to follow can feel like a relief.
For example, a dating coach might tell a woman to embrace her "feminine energy" to appear more nurturing or receptive, or to suggest that men tap into their "masculine energy" to be more assertive. It provides clear expectations for behavior—something easy to follow when the world feels chaotic and relationships seem confusing.
Even though society is becoming more progressive, traditional gender norms still hold a strong influence in many people's lives. Many clients, especially those who feel disconnected or unsure about modern dating dynamics, are drawn to dating advice that reinforces those traditional roles. Using the framework of masculine and feminine energies can be seen as a way of leaning into a “safer” version of dating advice—one that feels like it aligns with old-fashioned ideas of romance and relationship roles.
For dating coaches, it's an easy selling point to market to people who long for clear-cut expectations and certainty in relationships, especially in an era where shifting gender dynamics have made some people unsure of how to act.
A big reason why the masculine/feminine energy framework works so well in dating advice is that it plays on people’s emotional needs—primarily the desire for validation and belonging. In a time when many people are uncertain about themselves and their roles in relationships, these labels can give them a sense of clarity and self-worth.
Coaches often frame these energies as "ideal" or "desirable," which can create pressure for individuals to try and fit themselves into these molds. This becomes especially problematic because it can make people feel like they’re "not good enough" unless they embody a specific energy or role. It’s a form of emotional manipulation that preys on people's insecurities and desire for acceptance, as well as their craving for simplicity and understanding.
From a practical standpoint, the masculine/feminine energy framework is easy to sell and market. It’s a simple and catchy way to explain the dynamics of relationships, even if it’s ultimately reductive. It's also very marketable—coaches can offer workshops, books, and courses based around these concepts, providing "quick fixes" for people looking for answers. In a world filled with overwhelming information, it’s much easier for people to buy into a neat framework rather than navigate the complexities of human relationships in a more nuanced way.
Dating coaches, knowing that people are often looking for quick and easy solutions to dating challenges, use these terms because they resonate with their audience's desire for a "one-size-fits-all" approach to relationships.
In a world where success, control, and mastery are highly valued, the idea of “tapping into your masculine/feminine energy” becomes an easy sell to those who want to feel they can control their romantic outcomes.
The notion that there are “right” ways to behave, rooted in ancient gender roles, creates a false sense of mastery and empowerment. If you simply "become more feminine" or "embrace your masculinity," the message implies, you'll be more successful in your dating life. It’s an appealing narrative for people who feel powerless or unsure.
One of the biggest things I hear from my clients is how these labels make them feel like they can’t truly be themselves. Women feel pressured to always be “feminine” — soft, nurturing, and passive — and men feel like they must project “masculine” qualities of strength and dominance, even if that’s not who they are at their core.
When dating coaches push the idea of balancing these energies, it forces my clients to question their natural instincts.
For example, if a client feels assertive, confident, or even aggressive in a certain situation, they may think they’re being “too masculine” or “out of balance.” If they’re not feeling emotional or nurturing enough, they may wonder if they’re not fulfilling their “feminine” role. These labels prevent them from embracing the full complexity of their identity. Instead of showing up as their authentic selves, they try to mold themselves into a predefined “ideal,” often leading to frustration and feelings of inadequacy.
This creates an impossible balancing act. One moment, they’re encouraged to be nurturing, soft, and receptive, and the next, they’re told to be assertive, independent, and strong. This tug-of-war between conflicting expectations leads to a sense of uncertainty about who they should be, creating inner tension and self-doubt. Ultimately, this confusion blocks the very connection they are seeking.
Women are left questioning whether they’re “too much” of one thing or not enough of another. Rather than being celebrated for their true, multifaceted selves, they’re pressured to fit into a rigid framework that doesn’t align with the complexities of their identities. This can make dating, relationships, and even self-acceptance a confusing and exhausting journey. The constant back and forth between these labels only adds to the confusion, keeping women stuck in cycles of self-criticism and second-guessing.
Ultimately, this confusion blocks the very connection women are seeking. When they're caught up in trying to embody the "right" mix of masculine and feminine energy, they end up disconnected from their true selves, which creates a barrier to forming authentic, meaningful relationships. Instead of showing up as their genuine, multifaceted selves, they’re performing a role that feels forced or unnatural. This masks their vulnerability, which is essential for real connection.
When women are constantly second-guessing how they should act or what they should be, they miss the opportunity to simply be present, honest, and open. The energy they’re putting into fitting into a predefined mold could be better spent on fostering genuine intimacy, trust, and understanding. In trying to conform, they inadvertently push away the authentic connections they desire most.
This same confusion and disconnection applies to men as well. When they’re told to embrace "masculine energy" by being dominant, stoic, and unyielding, or conversely, to tap into their "feminine energy" by being more vulnerable, emotionally available, or nurturing, it creates a constant struggle to reconcile these conflicting expectations. Men are left questioning whether they are being "man enough" or if they’re too soft or weak when they show vulnerability. The pressure to fit into these limited roles often prevents them from embracing their full range of emotions and traits, leading to a sense of frustration and inadequacy.
Like women, when men are trapped in trying to embody these rigid labels, they miss the chance to connect authentically. They end up hiding parts of themselves, unsure of when to show certain aspects of their identity, and as a result, true intimacy and connection become elusive.
Dating Coaches Are Exploiting These Labels
What frustrates me even more is how dating coaches exploit this concept. They claim that understanding and balancing your “masculine” and “feminine” energy is key to finding a partner. They say things like, “It’s just a framework” or “We all have both energies inside us,” implying that once you figure out which energy you need to bring to the table, everything will fall into place. This seems harmless, but it’s actually deeply problematic.
By saying it is just a “framework,” dating coaches aren’t just offering advice—they’re creating another layer of pressure and confusion for my clients. Instead of empowering them to embrace who they truly are, it introduces a set of expectations that they feel obligated to follow. It’s no longer about being real or connecting authentically with others—it becomes about trying to embody these constructed energies to “fit in” or attract the “right” partner.
In reality, these labels aren’t just harmless or neutral frameworks—they’re blocks that prevent people from being their true selves. They distract from what really matters in dating: building genuine connection, mutual respect, and emotional compatibility. They also reinforce the damaging belief that we’re somehow “not enough” unless we live up to a societal standard of how we should behave based on outdated gender norms.
It’s Time to Ditch the Framework and Be Authentic
The truth is, you don’t need to embody some idealized version of masculinity or femininity to be successful in dating, nor do you need to “balance” some internal energies to be whole.
What you need is the freedom to be yourself—no labels, no performance. When we stop overthinking these false dichotomies, we give ourselves permission to express all the traits that make us uniquely who we are, whether they’re traditionally labeled as “masculine” or “feminine.”
True connection comes from authenticity, vulnerability, and self-awareness. You don’t need to “find the balance” between energies; you just need to show up as yourself. And if someone doesn’t appreciate you for exactly who you are, then they’re not the right match for you.
Instead of embracing the fluidity of our emotions, strengths, and vulnerabilities, these rigid categories make us feel like we have to choose between being something we're not or suppressing parts of ourselves. This disconnection from our true essence leads to frustration and self-doubt, rather than fostering confidence and clarity in our relationships.
So, I say throw out these labels—let go of the constraints, and embrace the fullness of who you are without trying to fit into a mold. True empowerment comes from shedding these restrictive ideas and showing up as your authentic self.
The Takeaway
Let go of the gendered energy “rules” in dating. They’re outdated and confusing, and they only block you from being real. You don’t have to perform or try to fit into some masculine/feminine framework. Be who you truly are—confident, sensitive, strong, vulnerable, assertive, or whatever combination of traits reflects your true self. You are enough, just as you are, and that’s what will attract the right person into your life. When you embrace your authentic self, that’s when you’ll connect with others in a meaningful and lasting way.
There’s something truly magical when you are seen for who you truly are—your authentic self—rather than being confined to a role or label. In those moments, when someone looks at you and truly understands your essence, it's like a weight lifts off your shoulders. You no longer have to play a part or wear a mask, pretending to fit into expectations. Instead, you get to exist freely, loved and appreciated for your unique qualities, quirks, and strengths.
It's a feeling of profound connection, where vulnerability and authenticity are celebrated, and you're embraced in your wholeness—no pretending required.
When you are truly seen, it’s a reminder that who you are is more than enough, and that’s where the magic of real, fulfilling connections happens.
Ready to break free from the confusion of outdated labels and start embracing your authentic self? It’s time to step into the power of who you are meant to be. My online class, Who You Are Meant to Be, is designed to help you shed the restrictive labels and discover the true, confident, and empowered version of yourself. This course will guide you through the journey of embracing your uniqueness, connecting with others on a deeper level, and navigating relationships with clarity and authenticity. Say goodbye to the confusion and hello to real connection. Join me today and unlock the power of being you.
